Weightless
by AlwaysBlunt
Summary: The BAU realise what it feels like to hit rock bottom when one of their own is diagnosed with what is considered to be one of the worst psychiatric disorders of all time. First chapter is way shorter than the rest. Trigger warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first story after about a year of not writing much at all. This idea has been in my mind for quite some time now and is based solely on my own experience. I am in no way saying that this is how it is for everyone diagnosed.

This chapter is very short but other chapters will definitely be longer.

 **Trigger warnings:** mental illness/recovery, eating disorders, strong language. Please do not read if any of these might trigger you.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds, or any of it's characters (sadly!).

 **Please read and review! I really appreciate it! x**

It is a strange feeling, hating yourself. It is exactly like having an inner demon, constantly nit-picking at every little thing you do. Every mistake you make.

You gained a pound yesterday. A whole pound. Your inner self screamed in anguish as you looked at the scales, the tiny arrow treacherously inching towards the "120" mark. You had clenched your fists so tight that your knuckles had turned white. You had wanted to cry. You had wanted to scream. It was weird how such a tiny thing could make you feel like the world was ending. Or how you wanted it to end.

The voice had gotten worse lately. The inner monologue that had convinced you that food was your only enemy long ago. It was back now, stronger than it had ever been before.

You were surprised that your coworkers hadn't noticed anything at all yet. You had lost 15 pounds in two weeks - much faster than the countless books and websites had recommended. Instead, they complimented you. Probably the worst thing that they could have done. They only fuelled the fire. The fire that had been dwindling since you were just 15-years-old. It was now fully lit and as big and as dangerous as ever, causing havoc on your health.

You didn't care about that though. Your only thought anymore was food. _What will you have for lunch? Will you skip dinner again? Did you have breakfast? How will you avoid going out for drinks after the case is over again?_

Your inner demon never left you alone. It made looking in mirrors a nightmare. The distorted view that you had of yourself filled up the entire room. The demon was almost similar to a dark and gloomy cloud that followed you around with a never ending pouring rain. You despised the demon. You thought it had been defeated when you were 17-years-old, but you knew deep down that it had never left. You knew the minute you had started dieting that it was back out of hiding. It was back with such force and power, insisting on going by one name, and one name only.

Anorexia Nervosa.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter, it means a lot! This story is set around season 4 or 5 but Will and Henry don't exist.**

 **Guest - This story is about JJ, but Emily will pay a huge part in it so I hope you continue reading!**

 **Again, this is based solely on my own personal experience and I am in no way saying that this is how it is for everyone diagnosed.**

 **Trigger warnings: Mental illness/recovery, eating disorders, strong language**

 **Please read and review! x**

Your eyes felt so heavy as you heard the loud beeping of your alarm clock on the cold, wintery Monday morning. You had barely any energy and it was oddly tempting to ring in sick to work. With an enormous effort you heaved yourself up so that you were sitting on your bed. A wave of dizziness hit you and you placed both of your hands on either side of your body in an attempt to steady yourself.

Your head was pounding and your throat was burning from not having anything to drink in what felt like years. _Water has calories. You don't need it._ You shook your head from side to side at the ridiculous statement, trying to rid your mind of the thoughts that had begun to consume your life again. This only caused you to become dizzier and with an exaggerated sigh, you slowly pushed yourself up off of your bed. You grasped the edge of the desk beside you in a poor attempt to stop you from swaying and then reached aimlessly to grab the door frame of the entry to your bathroom.

You slowly looked up only to come face to face with your reflection. _Ugly_. You immediately looked away before lazily trying to get ready. _Useless_. Your unruly blonde hair hung beside your face as you struggled to put on your black work trousers. _Ha, probably too small for you._ You bit your lip anxiously before easily buttoning the - now baggy - size two. A grin appeared on your face at the "victory" you had just achieved. _You're still too big. Still fat. So, so, so fat._

A lump formed in your throat. Sometimes the thoughts were just too much. You sighed, glancing at the clock on the wall. _Shit_. You were going to be late. You hastily brushed your hair and your teeth and quickly snagged a belt from your wardrobe before by-passing the kitchen and going out the front door.

Finally you were seated in your car behind the steering wheel. Your chest was heaving. _Wow – ugly and unfit._ Your hand reached aimlessly for the car door beside you. You coughed and heaved for what seemed like hours. A pain spread across your side and you leaned your head back against the headrest, hoping to regain some composure.

After a few minutes, a buzzing noise caught your attention and you glanced to your right to see a message from Garcia on your phone screen.

"Hi Sugar, would you mind awfully grabbing us some caffeinated goodness on your way here? Thanks hun xx."

You rushed to start the engine, noticing you had just ten minutes to buy the coffee and get to work. You sped down the road at such speed that you were almost asking to be pulled over by a police officer. You pulled up to the nearest gas station and made six cups of the "caffeinated goodness". You knew exactly what everyone liked in terms of milk and sugar. You're pretty sure you looked crazy to the people waiting in line as you put about ten sachets of sugar into Spence's coffee. You brought the cups up to the counter and paid using your card, completely missing the concerned look that the cashier was giving you.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips as you found yourself driving into the crowded FBI car park at last. Before exiting your car, you reached up and flipped down the mirror that was above you. What you couldn't see was the clearly exhausted, underweight young woman that you were. Your cheeks were hollow and the dark purple circles under your eyes were becoming increasingly more noticeable as each day passed. What you did see though was a figure so ugly and so huge that they shouldn't be seen by the public eye. A tear silently created a trail down your cheek which you hurriedly wiped away with your sleeve.

In the blink of an eye, you had put on a brave face and were briskly walking towards the large front door of the building in front of you. The door was much more difficult than normal to open and you had to push all of your body weight onto it before it would even budge.

You waited impatiently for the elevator to reach the floor you needed. You scowled as you once again came face to face with your reflection. Your disgusting reflection. _You are such a waste of space. Nobody wants you. Nobody loves you._ You stared at the creature before you. The obese, rounded figure stared back at you, as if it was mocking you. It looked almost as if it was growing an inch by the second. You quickly glanced up at the ceiling and began tapping your foot off the floor in an attempt to burn more and more calories. _Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap..._

After what felt like eternity, a ding sounded and the elevator doors slid wide open. You strolled into the bullpen with the warm beverages in your hand and before you even had a moment to think, you were practically ambushed by four of your coworkers.

"We were beginning to think you weren't coming Blondie," Morgan chuckled, taking a sip of his long awaited black coffee.

You smiled, placing the remaining two cups on Emily's desk. All sorts of files were strewn across the wooden surface. She has never been a tidy person - well, neither have you to be fair.

"Did you not get one for yourself?" asked Emily. She laughed to herself, "you nearly always have a cup of the stuff in your hand."

"Oh, uh - I drank it on the way here." You looked away. You had never been good at lying either - apart from that time you had told Spence and Derek why you were afraid of the woods a while ago.

"Hello? Earth to JJ!" You were brought back to the present by Morgan waving a hand in front of your face. "I think you need to go back to bed Blondie, you look terrible and you just zoned out big time."

 _See - even he noticed that you look a mess! He knows that you are a fat, unattractive, waste of..._

"I'm fine Derek." You stated coldly, your mood suddenly taking a complete turn. You brushed past him and climbed the stairs up to the confines of your untidy office. You slammed the door behind you and took a seat on the couch in the corner of the tiny room. You don't know where the sudden burst of anger had come from. You had even surprised yourself. You buried your face in your palms and took some deep breaths. _Why can't you do anything right? They're going to think you're crazy. Huh! Why would they even care? They hate you. They wouldn't care if you left and never came back. They wouldn't even care if you died_.

Outside, unbeknownst to you, your four coworkers were still in the bullpen, confused about your recent behaviour. Your outburst had left them in shock.

"Maybe she's just tired? Last week was hard," Garcia broke the uncomfortable silence. She looked flustered and her wide eyes danced around the room, analysing her friends' faces.

Reid looked up from where he was busy reading one of the files on his desk.

"She's probably just menstruating. I've read that women can experience tiredness and extreme mood swings when they-"

Emily smirked at Reid's theory, turning her head to gaze through the window of JJ's office.

"I'd say you're right Garcia, she's probably just tired, what with last week's case and all the press conferences? I'd say Jayje is exhausted."

Everyone nodded their heads and hummed in agreement before they each walked to their individual desks and began their workload for the day.

But Emily wasn't so sure herself whether their blonde friend was "just tired".


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the next chapter. It is much more dark than I had intended it to be so this chapter would probably be rated "M". There are brief mentions of suicide in this chapter and also a mention of what a few of you have been waiting for.**

 **Please read and review! It'll only take a few seconds x**

 **The same Trigger warnings still apply.**

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It had been a week since you had snapped at Derek and you still felt extremely guilty. In the past week, you had been trying to make it up to him, despite him reassuring you that it was fine and that he has already forgiven you. It was currently 7pm and you had just gotten home from a long day at work. You shivered subconsciously as you entered your front door and rubbed your hands together in an attempt to generate some heat. You made an instant bee-line to turn on the heat in your roomy apartment as you struggled to let your hair down. You were freezing.

With a sigh of contentment, you flopped down on your comfortable grey couch and leaned your head back, closing your eyes. You could feel a headache coming on and you pinched the bridge of your nose out of habit in an attempt to stop it. You opened your tired eyes again and took this time to notice the amount of hair caught on your hair tie. _What the hell?_ You ran your hand through your blonde hair and were alarmed at the amount of stray hairs that appeared in your hand. You were way to young to be losing hair.

A loud rumble sounded throughout your apartment, almost similar to thunder. It made you realise that you hadn't actually eaten anything in the last two days. You were starving. It was the type of hunger where you actually felt pain. You stood up from the couch and made your way slowly to your kitchen. It was a room you usually avoided when you were at home and the counters were spotless and the multiple containers that sat on them were empty to prove this.

You opened the cupboards one by one, not being surprised when each and every one of them were empty. _Oh well_. You did however find some coffee in the final cupboard. You quickly made yourself a mug of the "caffeinated goodness,"as Garcia called it. _Don't you even think of putting milk in that. Calories make you fat. You don't need them._ You had this sudden feeling of anxiety and you stared down into the warm mug of black coffee in your hands. _You_ _d_ _on't need it. You don't need anything._ In almost a robotic way, you walked over to the sink in the corner and poured the warm beverage down the drain. You watched as it swirled and twirled around the white basin before disappearing out of sight. The anxious feeling you had felt subsided and you breathed a sigh of relief when the tight feeling in your chest vanished.

You put the mug in the sink, once again ignoring the continuous rumbling of your stomach. _You're so fat. Worthless bitch._ You put your cold hands on either side of your head, willing the voice to stop. You were done with it. A fat tear rolled it's way down your gaunt cheek and you made no effort to wipe it way. You tried to focus on the howling of the wind outside rather then the bitter monologue playing on repeat in your mind. The leaves on the streets tumbled, turned and danced as they were carried by the breeze, and the rain that was pouring down hit off of your kitchen window in a rhythmic manner.

Some time later, you had landed yourself once again on the weighing scales in your bathroom. The tiny red arrow moved along the numbers. It ticked as it moved slowly, climbing higher, and higher. You grabbed the sink to your right as a wave of dizziness washed over you. You felt incredibly light-headed at the sight of the numbers rising. _"110 lbs"._ A smile began to grow on your face. Last year, you would have been worried at the fact that you were losing this much weight in such a short space of time. But now, you were elated. You felt over the moon at the prospect of being wafer thin – almost non-existent. _More. Lose more._ _Not enough. Never enough. Never thin enough._ The tear that rolled down your cheek earlier had been long dry, but it was gradually replaced by many more.

You cried like you had never cried before. Is this was how it was going to be for the rest of your life? The constant weighing of food. The constant weight checking, followed by bucket-loads of tears and the voice that never let you be. You were one-hundred-percent occupied with thoughts of hopelessness and thoughts of a world where food just didn't exist. You cried as hard as you did the day that you had found your sister dead in the bathtub. You felt extremely guilty, but you envied her. You knew you'd never do it. Of course you wouldn't. But the thoughts were there. They existed.

As the night drew in, you decided to have a shower before putting on a pair of warm pyjamas. You stood in the shower and felt your ribs. You admired how your hip bones protruded at such sharp angles and could easily be seen through your pale skin. You couldn't help but grin. This is what you had always wanted. _You'll never be thin enough. Never small enough. You fat pig._ Before you couldeven think you formed your hand into a fist and punched the shower wall beside you. No pain was felt. You were blissfully numb as you watched as the blood coming from your knuckles mix with the water in your shower as it went down the drain.

You stood in the shower for what felt like hours. Your hand was throbbing and so was your head. The headache from earlier had arrived back with such force due to the tiredness you were now feeling. Steam had by now completely filled up your bathroom from the heat of the water coming from the shower head. You turned the dial to "off" and stepped out and onto the tiled flooring and hurriedly dried yourself and got dressed into a pair of fluffy pink pyjamas.

Just before you pulled back the covers on your double bed, you heard a loud knock on your front door. Fear gripped you. It was 11pm at night, who the hell would be at your front door?

You hastily snagged your gun from the safe at your bedside and tip-toed down the hall and past the kitchen. You approached your front door, unlocked the chain and looked through the peep-hole. You were completely shocked to see a tall brunette staring back at you and you reluctantly opened the bolt under the door handle and pulled open the front door.

"Emily?"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N - Here's the next chapter! Thank you guys so much for the lovely reviews. I really appreciate them. But keep them coming! The next chapter is going to be quite intense, so stay tuned!**

Emily couldn't sleep. She had tossed and turned and twisted in her bed for about an hour before she decided to give up completely. She was way too worried about her best friend to sleep. JJ had completely withdrawn from talking to everyone and it was starting to worry not just her, but everybody else on the team.

With a sigh, she hurriedly grabbed a pair of sweats and a hoodie and practically ran out of her apartment. It was almost an out of body experience as the brunette turned on her car's engine and began to drive in the direction of her blonde friend's apartment.

She pulled up at the apartment block, choosing to ignore the flashing red numbers on her dashboard clearly reading "10:58pm". A nervous feeling began to build in her chest. She shouldn't be here, bothering her friend. But JJ needed her, even if she didn't want her help.

Before long, she was knocking on her friend's door. Number 34. The wait felt like eternity and Emily anxiously tapped her foot on the hard flooring in anticipation.

"Emily?"

It had been a long weekend, and Emily couldn't help but frown at the way JJ looked. The dark circles under her eyes had only gotten bigger, and the way JJ's pyjamas hung loosely around her already small frame just didn't sit right with Emily.

The brunette's brown eyes met her blonde friend's blue ones. They were filled with sadness and it took every bone in her body to resist profiling JJ.

"H-Hi," Emily responded, her voice shaking.

"Um...I couldn't sleep so I just hit the road and I ended up here."

She wasn't exactly lying - she couldn't sleep.

Emily watched as JJ seemed torn between letting her friend inside, and closing the door. She was relieved when the blonde moved aside and allowed her to cross the threshold into her apartment.

Emily instantly had to take off her jacket once she was inside. JJ's apartment was like a furnace, but she couldn't help but notice that JJ was still shivering regardless.

The brunette chose to sit down on the grey couch in her friend's small living room, just as she always did when she came over, which hadn't been for a while now that she thought about it. JJ followed her, clearly bewildered. She she rubbed her eyes tiredly, yawning as she did so. JJ watched as her brown-eyed friend patted the seat beside her, gesturing for her to sit down.

JJ slowly lowered herself onto the seat beside Emily, looking her friend up and down suspiciously.

"Why are you really here Em?" the blonde asked, rubbing her eyes again. She just wanted to sleep.

"I..just couldn't-"

"Emily, save it. I know you wouldn't just drive 20 minutes because you couldn't sleep," JJ said through her teeth. She was trying so hard to not lose her temper, but she was starving and she was currently awake on practically no sleep at all.

Emily's posture relaxed and her face softened slightly. The brunette's attention suddenly turned to picking at her fingernails, but she was stopped by a frail hand covering hers.

"I was worried about you."

JJ tensed, clearly uncomfortable with the attention being suddenly thrown on her. She nervously ran her fingers through her hair, shaking her hand to rid them of the hairs. This didn't go unnoticed by Emily, but she chose not to say anything.

"I-I don't u-understand. I'm fin-"

"No. You're not "fine" Jen. You are clearly struggling after the last case. It was hard on all of us but it seems to have affected you the most. Like, look at you!" She gestured towards her friend, "you can't sleep, you've lost weight - probably due to stress - and you won't talk to any of us. Not even me JJ! I'm your best friend."

"I'm sorry," the blonde whispered.

Inside, JJ was relieved that Emily hadn't actually caught on to what the real problem was. She hoped nobody would ever find out. They'd all look at her differently and she didn't want that.

She was suddenly torn from her thoughts by a pair of arms wrapping around her, followed by a gasp of shock

"JJ? What happened to your hand?"

"I fell," she replied shortly, no room for argument.

The brunette ignored the obvious lie but instead stood up to walk to the kitchen. She returned a short time later with a first aid kit in her hands. Wordlessly, she wiped clean the angry wound and began to dress it with white bandages.

"You do know you can always talk to me Jay?" Emily broke the silence. She paused what she was doing and looked into her friend's eyes.

JJ lifted her head and smiled a sad smile, a tear making it's way slowly down her cheek.

"I know."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - Hey guys, a close friend of mine died suddenly today. I probably won't update while I come to terms with it. Thank you for understanding and please read and review x**

JJ woke up first the next day, her eyes flickering tiredly opening. She was awfully sore from having spent the night on the couch beside Emily, and her back cracked painfully as she yawned and stretched. The blonde looked beside her and smiled at what she saw. The brunette agent was sprawled half on the couch and half on the floor and she was snoring softly. Her hair was strewn wildly over her face, moving each time Emily breathed out. JJ chuckled quietly to her self.

""Huh I don't snore." Yeah right Prentiss," she scoffed, still laughing as she pushed her exhausted, sore body up and off of the couch.

JJ made no rush as she strolled towards her bathroom. She desperately wanted a shower as spending a night on the couch did nothing for the way her hair looked at the moment . The blonde agent stripped of her baggy pyjamas and carefully stepped in the shower, but the voices immediately started again. _You're disgusting. Your friend doesn't care about you at all. Lies. All lies._ She massaged her temples, urging the cruel whisper to stop. _You're nothing._

Before long, JJ had showered, washed her hair and was now changed into her work clothes. The only thing that would stay on her were a pair of size 00 skinny jeans. She paired that with a blouse, which she tucked into her jeans, and a baggy blue cardigan. She was hoping to get away with wearing this extremely casual attire. The blonde decided to just let her hair dry on it's own as for the last few weeks it dried almost instantly.

JJ walked back towards the living room, expecting to see her friend still sleeping peacefully. Instead she bumped into the brunette, who obviously had the same thought as her.

"Oh sorry Em! I didn't see you there," JJ quickly apologised, rubbing her ribs where she had just hit them. "You know where the towels and everything are, don't you?"

Emily nodded, her eyes closed shut. JJ laughed at her friend wholeheartedly, tapping her on the shoulder and leaning in to whisper something in her ear.

"And by the way - you do snore!" The blonde whispered, before practically running towards the kitchen.

"Do not!"

About 10 minutes later, JJ tapped her foot anxiously as she waited for Emily to be done in the shower so that they could both head to work. They still had an hour before they had to leave but JJ wasn't sure why she felt so stressed. _Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap..._

The sound of the apartment doorbell buzzing loudly startled the poor blonde. She jumped dramatically into the air, her heart pounding in her chest. JJ clumsily made her way to the entrance and opened the bolt and the lock before slowly opening the wooden door to her apartment. She did not expect to see who was on the other side at all, her eyes widening in shock.

"Mom?!" The blonde agent gasped, "what are you doing here?"

"Well that's no way to greet your mother now, is it Jen?" Sandy joked, pushing the door open further so she could walk into her daughter's apartment. She could sense that something was not quite right and eyed the empty food containers on the kitchen counters nervously.

She noted how JJ's clothes were hanging off of her loosely, almost uncomfortably. The young woman's hair was obviously thinner and her face was gaunt, not to mention the dark, purple bags that sat under her eyes.

"S-sorry Mom, just wasn't expecting you. At all." JJ stuttered, now being able to speak. "I have to go to work in an hour so I can't hang around..."

"Oh that shouldn't be a problem dear, now come and give your old mother a hug. I missed you," the older woman replied, pulling her reluctant daughter into a hug.

Sandy then realised that what she expected was true. Her daughter was nothing but skin and bone. She knew that her daughter being completely cured of her disorder when she was younger was near to impossible, but she should have known better than to just assume she was fine when she clearly wasn't.

The blonde woman decided not to say anything until she knew for sure. Images of her daughter's time in the eating disorder clinic didn't hesitate to pop into her head as she walked into JJ's kitchen. Sandy wanted to cry as each and every cupboard turned out to be empty. The only thing in the fridge was a litre bottle of water.

Sandy turned around to smile sadly at her daughter. She knew the statistics for people diagnosed with anorexia off the top of her head. Only a third went on to live a perfectly normal life after their first diagnoses. - a statistic she never thought she'd hear herself say again.

Sandy opened her arms, beckoning the younger blonde to give her another hug. She kissed the top of her head lovingly and squeezed her daughter tightly, letting out a sob when she took into account how little left there was of her.

JJ let out a strangled cry. She had dreaded the day her mother would come and realise what was going on. She cried into her mother's arms, not caring how vulnerable she looked. Her mascara ran down her face, leaving dark black streaks in their place. You're so fucking stupid. You're going to gain weight and be more fat than you already are. You are a fucking waste of space.

"Make it stop," the young blonde cried, "make it stop, please."

Her mother rubbed her hands up and down her only daughter's back reassuringly.

"We are going to go and get you help and we will kick this bitch to the curb. I will stay by your side the entire time, don't you worry." Sandy paused, looking into her daughters' eyes.

"You're going to have to tell your friends sooner, rather than later though honey. You know that, right? They deserve to know. Aaron will already know about what happened when you were younger from reading your file," Sandy tried her best to console her. "I can go in with you if you like?" She proposed.

"I'd like that," JJ agreed, pulling back from her mother's arms before wiping the tears on her sleeve.

"You've beat anorexia once and you can do it again Jen, and I'm not going anywhere."

Neither of them noticed that Emily was hiding in the doorway a few metres away, shocked at the recent revelation. It dawned on her that her best friend had every single one of the symptoms and that she should have been paying more attention. The words that were uttered next, sent shivers down the brunette's spine.

"I'm scared Mom," the younger blonde admitted, the fear clearly could be heard in her voice.

"I am too Jaybird," Sandy confessed, pulling her daughter closer to her and squeezing her just that little bit tighter.

"I am too."


End file.
